Sajini Chandrasekera

this is where I am at

And one day......

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As the silence crept around me with the coldness of the December nights, my mind wandered to the warmth of love we shared. Every single detailed, every single moment, every single word is so deeply en carved in my heart. It is you my eyes search and you my heart seeks yet it's you I never see any more. There were many times my heart was filled with joy of just thinking of you and when our eyes met it was nothing less than purity and perfection of love.  You were a bundle of joy to me and a blossom of happiness. The beauty of your innocent smile has reached the depth of my heart and the purity of your heart has reached to the greatest core of my soul. You became my strength and my weakness, you became my pillar to lean on and you became every thing I never had. I grasped every thing you gave and tightly held to your love believing that it would always be the same. 

But things changed faster than I thought and you changed so much that I felt I didn't know you any more. You slowly walked away from me but I held on so tight that I didn't realize the tears I shed or the pain I was intensely going through. I didn't realize though how hard I held on to you that slowly you have created space that can never be filled again. I held on to our love so tightly that my nights became sleepless and my eyes red with tears. I cried helplessly of wanting you but you have gone so far that I couldn't reach for you any more. Suddenly we became strangers and you rarely  spoke to me. Those loving messages are not there any more, or the regular meetings or the forehead kisses or the long nights of music we shared together. I miss them all so very much and still look at your pictures which each picture has a story behind. 

Through tears I smile knowing what we had once was real. I miss you more than words can express but I know you'll never understand what you were in my life. Each of those beautiful moments are still in my heart, still those magical kisses lingers on my forehead and still those stolen moments bring tears.  It still hurt deeply as I have not stop loving you or ever will but I'm broken inside into thousand of pieces  and wish things were different for us. Through out my life I will carry you with me, loving you silently as I always loved you and praying for you silently as I always did. I believe in my love for you and as years come I will keep on believing my love to you and hope one day you will realize that I loved you more than you loved me. One day you will realize how much you hurted me and how much I forgave for all pain you caused. And one day you'll realize that I never left your side even though you never cared and one day you'll realize how strong my love to you was and one day when you realize, I may not be there ..................

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 11:02 AM, ,

Recalling memories

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It's been quit awhile I opened the family album of us, but after months of tears and loneliness I finally looked at all the pics I had of you. They were not pics of you but all happy moments captured by me of you and our daughter. It's been some months now the tragic of loosing you shattered my life but I slowly learnt to live a life with my daughter and your memory was always treasured deep in my soul. It took me great courage to open the hundreds of pics I took of you and when I finally did I cried for hours and hours in darkness recalling every memory of you till the very last day you lived. I never knew loosing some one you love was this hard and with your sudden death I was left all alone with a child who desperately kept asking for her dad and I was so speechless of what I should say to her. You were not just a lovely husband but a wonderful father as well and though our daughter has only very few years with you ,all the memories she has of you are priceless and beautiful and thank you for leaving her with memories of love which she will recall through her life.

As the months have gone slowly we both are healing our wounds and every day we talk about you and though this hurts I want our daughter to remember you every single day and some times she laugh at silly things she did with you or the stories you use to tell her or a joke you shared with her or some times she lay her head on me and cry as we both miss you very much. I still remember that dimple smile you got and the funny faces you made and all the love you shared with us.Nothing is forgotten or will ever be. I may have not always told you how much I love you and now as you not here I miss you and love you more than ever. 

You left us with beautiful memories and through all coming years we both will keep you in a very sacred place in our hearts. You showed me what love is and how to love, you always thought of me and our daughter and what ever you did I know it was for our own well being. Life was cruel to us as you suddenly departed from our lives leaving only grief and pain but I know where ever you are you are watching us and helping us to survive this life. We will always miss you deeply and no one can give the love we miss and for years to come you will be in our hearts. It's true that I miss you , it 's true I seek for your love and warmth and it's true that it took me a long time to heal but still I cry for you and some times I wish GOD took us all with you, but I know our daughter don't deserve that and I will promise to give her love of both mother and father and be her strength at hard times and I want you to know that every day we think of you and wished you were here with us. I promise to be strong to face this life and I know with your eyes upon us we will survive......

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 1:12 PM, ,

Soul love

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All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere,somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us. Sometimes, on our way through the world, we meet someone who touches our heart in a way others don't.

When two who have suffered find each other, the bond is like steel. They become each others' soul mates and comfort from the storm of life. At the same  time, they stir the deepest, darkest desires in each other.  Love is therefore not just a simple union of two people but a mutual gift of two free beings of all that they are: body, heart and spirit.

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.

A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who were pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are weave found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:46 PM, ,

To love even more

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The greatest irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present, it’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being love too little. As we all know that the heart is the centre of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for passing time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here’s a piece of advice; let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. No relationship is worth hurting and love it self is a beautiful experience  Therefore don't hang on a love which gives you pain frequently, love should bring the best in you and make you happy always. Love is not when arguments take part constantly and one have to keep on apologizing to save a relation even  when that person is innocent. Love is respecting each others differences and excepting them and loving them with their flaws. There's always some one who can love you for who you are and what you are.....  For sure there is someone out there who will love you even more.

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 1:02 PM, ,

Silent whispers

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                                           Whitney Houston - I will always love you

There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. I don't know what they are called, the spaces between seconds, but I think of you always in those intervals.To see you smile, brings happiness to me, to hear your laughter is melody to my ears and to have you as mine is a blessing. From the moment you walked into my life, I never wanted you to leave. From the moment I talked to you, I knew you was what I'll need. From the moment you was mine, I knew I finally had my chance this time. I can't remember life without you, and I never want to. People may think you not perfect but in my mind you are beyond perfect, when I'm able to look into your eyes and see the real you. Having your arms wrapped around me because you cares more about me than anything, the way you says I love you and those cute little inside jokes nobody else would understand and the way you giggles at my jokes even when they aren't even funny or the way you talks about every thing make me realize how strong we are. Your flaws make you perfect and when I'm around you I feel like everything's okay again and you are the solution to all my problems.

Every time I say I love you... I'm really trying to say so much more than those three little words. I'm trying to say you mean more to me than anyone else in the world. I'm trying to let you know that I adore you and that I cherish the time we spend together. I'm trying to explain that I want you and that I need you and that I get lost in wonderful thoughts every time I think about you. And each time I whisper I love you, I'm trying to remind you that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:45 PM, ,

Never the same.......

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Love....the most powerful four letter word ever existed, a word which can make life beautiful or a misery yet a very deep unexplained feelings are hidden in this simple word of LOVE. Once a friend told me that there are different shades of love and each of them exist in different compartments in our hearts. All those are special but have different story and a different feelings and they behold different shades in life.

We meet people who we fall in love. They play a vital role in our life and share every moment with us and become part of our life. We become bonded to them with our souls and hold them tightly in a very sacred place in our lives. But once they leave us we become so unhappy , lifeless and miserable and it will take us some time to let go of the memories we hold on to the person we once love.  But eventually when the pain lessen we will slowly open our life to a new love and we will begin to love them but it will never be the love we experienced. It will be different kind of love with another different individual and it could be better than your past experience or maybe worst. 

No love happen twice in life and every love which comes our way has a different story. Each love we pass has its own color and we can't love two people exactly the same way. Either we give too much or too less and we receive too much or too less. Never expect that all love stories in life will be the same but one of them will surely behold memories you can't let go....

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:30 PM, ,

Locked heart of mine

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I closed the doors of my heart
With out letting any one in
For once I was hurt so bad 
From the one I once loved

I will not let that happen again 
As I'm drained from the tears I shed
I tossed the keys as far as I could
And my heart was closed for good

Then you came in my life
A good friend I adored so much
You cradled me in your arms 
As you silently held me close

I thought the key was impossible to find
Then you held me your hand 
Closed and secure with love
Was the key to my heart

You made me happy and smiled again
My wounds were slowly healed
As I looked into your eyes so deep
It was you who held my heart all along

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:08 PM, ,

Behind close doors

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Sex is the most basic yet the strongest factor in marriage and even to this day most couples in Asia are still surrounded in cultural and traditional believing and unfortunately most women still don't enjoy sex or brave enough to talk about it with their partner. Sex is the strongest bond between a husband and wife and it makes them emotionally and physically close. Unlike the western culture we in east still have boundaries which most couples are afraid to explore. Most Asian women are still traditional and sex only means getting pregnant and making of a new generation. But the beauty of sex is beyond that. It's a journey of two bodies exploring each other and enjoying each other for rest of their lives. 

The most common fact in Asia is that once babies come to the family most wives think that their duty towards the husband is done and having sex or making love becomes a once in a while event in life. What most women in Asia lack to understand is needs of a man are different from the need of a woman and by nature men has a higher physical needs than women. When this simple truth fails in marriage, the chances for a husband to get involved in a secret relationship, where he finds a woman who will satisfy his physical needs to his expectations. This may eventually lead to divorces and separations. Though most Asian women are bought up within the limits of cultural and traditional values it is important to understand that once two people are married they have every right to enjoy and explore the beauty of sex and it is also important that both husband and wife play their individual roles to make each other happy. There are no rules for great sex, only understanding each other’s likes and dislikes and the outcome of such relations are beautiful and strong.  

Most Asian women are lethargic in sexual activities and they tend to give their body to the husband rather than supporting him and enjoy their togetherness. It is the myth which they carry in their minds that women should not play an active role in bed but just to lie down lifelessly and make their partner take the ride alone. It is not a sin to enjoy a good sexual relationship with your partner and it's not a crime to enjoy a good sex even after their kids are grown up. It is time that Asian women must understand that physical relation with your partner is not a mare duty to perform but a journey to enjoy. Being naive or shy in bed room will make a woman lose not just a happy marriage but the husband as well. 

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 11:53 AM, ,

Pretender of hearts

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We both are silent through the miles
Both have million thoughts running in mind
We are missing all the little conversations
But pondering on the moments behind

We both want to pick the pieces and go on
To have silly arguments and silent moments
To pamper with magical kisses on and off
But pretend we are fine without each other

Silent wishes to see each other 
But quietness has built its wall
Endless waits with aching hearts 
Looking at pictures whats in the mind

How long are we going to pretend 
That we still love each other as before
How long are we going to hurt each other
Knowing we only belong together .....

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:45 PM, ,

Dawn of a silence

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Silence......The dwell of pain in my heart, tortured with grief has finally mend to be on the path of silence. Months of anticipating pain and ripped heart with tears has finally found peace with the innocent soul of mine. Days and month I battled with my emotions and feelings towards you and the strongest of love I held so deep in my heart was barely to my own satisfaction. I turn back on the days we spent and would smile over and over again and every single moment would be priceless to me.  The memories fill the heart and mind and those are which I held so dear for many months, unable to depart from the deepest emotions I felt towards you. 

Day by day I felt you flying away from me, where I felt I had no powers to make you stay. As you springed your wings to far way destinations, as I humbly watched you fly. Letting you go was not easy but even I knew you were no more existed, I hanged on and on until I loosen the grip of holding.  It took me quite a while to realize you never belong to me or ever will but this fragile heart of mine kept on holding till it ripped apart to pieces. You saw how I bleed with my tears and you saw how I suffered yet you ignored every tear of mine heartlessly. 

I didn't give up on because I don't care but because I felt you don't care any more. I gave up because I saw I had no reason to hold on and because only my self was hurting day by day. These new path of silence may hurt us both but to save my self from further hurt I needed to shield  my self. I miss you in every single moment but it's better to miss you than waiting for a love I know would never come to treat me the same.
For all coming years I'll miss you my love, but in every moment I'll think of the beauty we shared and the laughter which filled our lonely hearts. We were special in our own way and unique in our own existence and vulnerable  in each others presence. We were each others strength and weakness yet we were strong together in a non existing world of reality.   This dawn of silence will slowly heal the pain I carry with those memories but through this life the scar of a beautiful love would always remain.

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:01 PM, ,

Feelings I remain

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I feel I've ask for more than you give
I feel I wanted more than you willing to give
Time has chosen different paths for us to go 
Each with a different life to live

The bond we created will always be there
A seldom act of friendship so strong
But the time has come and gone 
Leaving memories you can't turn back

I will always wonder how you are
Thinking of the times spent together
The dazzling smile still lingers deep 
And our fights, a painless scars 

Some times on those busy days 
When things pilled up for you to do 
Please let me ponder on your mind 
And spend some time with you

In those stolen moments which we share
As I still want to come to look at you 
Even though the distance between us 
Those magical kisses still lingers deep

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 1:09 PM, ,

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