Sajini Chandrasekera

this is where I am at

What I am , who I am

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It's been a long time since I wrote any thing and today despise of loneliness around me I wanted to sit down and write about me , mostly about my feelings of being your wife..... A soldiers wife.

I always had my weakness for men in uniform and when I met you I knew I met the man in my dreams. Being a soldiers wife was not easy, it had so much sacrifice , loneliness , and pain but it also have it's own glory of being a soldiers wife. It was not easy to let you go back once you come home for a short vacation  Actually it was the hardest to do. I keep crying behind your back for hours and never show my tears to you as I fear my tears would weaken your mental strength  I see tears in your eyes at moments of good bye but my love, every time you leave me I silently pray for your life and I know God will bring you back home safely.

When you are away in the war zone , people keep asking me how it is to be a soldiers wife and that's a difficult question to answer. Unless you are one of them no one can understand the inner feeling of being such a wife.When I close my eyes I imagine a nightmare so terrifying that I cannot breathe , my whole body squeezed with pain and I barely can't get up. You are my husband and my best friend and every single minute you are fighting the enemy and there's nothing I can do and it always wet my eyes.Every time the telephone rings it gives me a startled . I fear that my worst fear will come true through those lines. I keep my radio on all the time and every time I hear a bomb or killings I fear where you are and what you are doing and how safe you are.

There are times that I don't hear from you for days and I have no way of communicating .Those are sleepless nights for me as I think of you day and night. Some times I even don't know where you are or who to contact with. All I can do is silently pray for your life. It is not easy to wake up every morning with a heavy heart knowing that there's no end to this and every night I go to bed i think of your nights in the battle field.  I know you never have a peaceful sleep and fear crept all around you, with sounds of firing arms and bomb explosions and fear of enemy attacks are part of your nights and every time I close my eyes i think of you. 

I always live in fear of your life and there's no way I can calm my self. All I ask and pray is for the safe return of you my love.I have lost all my life's controls to this war and some times I feel I don't know this world anymore. I feel trapped in my own world or am I trapped in a hostile world of terrorism ? The laughter , the joy which once embraces this house is no more and grief and darkened tears have wrapped our life's. I feel I'm captive with fear and loneliness,  I feel I'm a victim of war but this is what I am , this is who I am .....I'm a solider's wife.

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posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 12:37 PM,

12 Comments:

At October 8, 2012 at 1:40 PM, Anonymous Power Angel said...

Excellent. You are right, only a woman who were in those shoes knows the real pain she carries in her heart. I experienced that for a short term not as a wife but as a lover to a Air Force pilot and every minute was living hell. You never know when you going to hear that he is no more.

 
At October 8, 2012 at 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But soldiers love so intensely that they make up when they are there.

 
At October 8, 2012 at 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LOST MY HUSBAND IN THE WAR FRONT AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ARMY AND WAS FIGHTING , THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FELT. iT'S NOT EASY BEING A ARMY WIFE. iT REQUIRES LOT OF PATIENCE, CONFIDENCE, AND COURAGE AND EVERY CAN'T POSE THIS ROLE. bUT EVEN I LOST MY HUSBAND I'M PROUD TO BE A ARMY WIFE.

 
At October 8, 2012 at 3:21 PM, Anonymous Asuntha Kodithuwakku said...

I married a man from the Air Force from a proposal and there were never time to get to know each other for about 15 years.His visits were once in 30 days. But as I was in love with him from the 1st sight, it kept me going.I was going through a war my self. How would you feel when you are left alone during your pregnancies, without a phone to access when he was in rural areas,where war was on full swing. Waiting for a word from him to the neighbor's telephone saying I'm ok! was nightmarish. There were no mobile phones. These days most of the wives expect the husbands to send short messages saying "I love you / Had lunch/ going to a meeting...." It would have been nice if you could hear your husband's voice at least ONCE a day saying "I love you honey. I'm ok." as we were young and romantic. We were not given cars or soldiers to do our work. (It never happens in the Air Force). So we were on our own and we sacrificed our youth, dreams, talents and laughter to our mother land as much as them and I'm so proud of it. Our husbands who had realized how much of our lives we have given to them, now are totally, madly and stupidly in love with us, appreciating us. There were some wives who couldn't stand the pressure. Some left their husbands, some got mad! The scariest thing was a military vehicle parking in front of our gates as a person from the force comes and deliver the message of the death of your husband.. Some of my friends have fainted with just the sight of the vehicle to find out later that the husband had sent something for the family as he cannot visit them. It was a hard time being a mother and a father to the kids too. But the amazing thing was the kids never forgot their father and jumped to his hands when they see him even after a month or two. I'm really glad the war is over and feel so helpless for the military wives around the world. But as we say 'We chose it so we are going to live it!'

 
At October 9, 2012 at 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Soldiers can’t pretend. They can’t twist the words. They are honest in relationship in everyway. That is what makes them more loveable. Nice post.

Are you a soldiers wife?

 
At October 10, 2012 at 11:56 PM, Blogger Kausar Bilal said...

It's an honour to be a soldier's wife, but it's never easy...I know it very well...After all a soldier's daughter...:)

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:21 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Power Angel....
Thank you for your comment and i agree with you. It only a solider's wife/lover knows the real pain in those heart where we as individuals never see or feel.

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:24 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Anonymous....
Thank you for your comment and as you say soldiers are also humans and need love as much as we do . Some times soldiers need love more than average as they have seen the worst of life.I agree with you , that once they come home to their families they give their best to the people they love.

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:30 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Anonymous.....
Thank you so much for your comment and i'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I know it's not easy to loose the man you love , but your husband was a hero who sacrifice his life for his country. As much as your husband we are proud of courages wives like you.

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:33 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Asuntha Kodithuwakku......
Thank you so much for the most detailed and wonderful comment. A true heart of a solider's wife is beautifully laid out in this comment. It's not a easy life to be soldiers wife but as you say 'We chose it so we are going to live it!'
Saluting you :-)

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:38 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Anonymous.....
Thank you for your lovely comment.I agree that soldiers are honest people but among them you do find soldiers who are not lovable and harsh. Every ones not equal and some have faults.

 
At October 11, 2012 at 10:41 AM, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

@ Kausar Bilal.....
Thank you so much for your comment on the post. Yes, it's never easy to be a soldiers wife and must be same being a daughter :-)

 

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