Sajini Chandrasekera

this is where I am at

Her last call

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I lay on my bed tossing around; sleep was nowhere near me. I kept think of everything that happened in the past couple of days and fear of death slowly had crept in my mind and heart. With endless pain in my body, it was time for another regular visit to the doctor and it was finally announced that in my right breast where I had lump which they confirmed was cancer. It was not easy to digest what I heard or what was become of me and all I knew was I had fear inside of what will happen next. As cancer had spread widely on my right breast, the doctors wanted to an immediate surgery and remove it.

I was startled at the thought of losing my breast as the breasts make a woman complete and how I would look with just one breast, but cancer didn't give me any options but to go ahead with the surgery. At the age of 38 I was in the borders of a nightmare of my life and I also had fear how my husband would feel to see me after surgery with one breast and this thought disturbed me more than cancer. My husband was supportive and was with me but deep inside I felt sick....I felt pain ...I felt I’ll never be same again. 


It was time for me to take the surgery and it was a difficult period for the family. Being a mum of two kids I had burden on my shoulder and with difficulty I was able to tell them that I was having a cancer and needed surgery and both of children cried till they couldn't cry any more. 

It was 5 hour surgery and they as the doctors said before it was spread all over and they scraped the whole breast without trace of it and was fully bandaged for a whole two weeks. I was discharged from hospital in a weeks’ time but on and off visited the doctor due to complications I had.  After 2 1/2 longed bandaged wrapped weeks it was the day to see myself for the first time after the surgery. I wished and wished that I could have kept the bandages for the rest of my life as I could hide me and my scars under them. But the moment was here ...surrounded by doctors and nurses and my husband by my side, it was time to take the bandages off. One by one the heaped bandages began to disappear and slowly the flat skin layer of my right chest was becoming visible and the final picture on myself through the mirror terrified me and tears poured down my cheeks. I simply looked at my husband who was watching me and his expressions were as if perplexed.

           Time after that was not easy for me to bear as i saw and felt the distance my husband was creating with me. He stopped sleeping with me in the same bed and moved to his office room and his office hours became longer and I felt so alone. It was time I needed him with me but my surgery had made me lose my husband and my marriage. I use to look at my bare chest in the mirror and cry alone but after 2 years, lots of things have changed. I have begun to understand about life more deeply than ever before.

After 2 years of my surgery with frequent visits to the doctor and various tests my second bomb was dropped on my ears making the reports confirm that my other breast also carried the cancer cells. I couldn't believe what I heard and I kept asking GOD why he wants to punish me this much but I never found an answer. After so many painful tests the doctors gave me and my husband the worst news of my life.....that the cancer have spread all over my body and that my days were limited. It was a moment that can't be explained in words and feeling was beyond imagination of any living soul. 

Thinking of my numbered life was not easy and dying at the age of forty seems too early. My children are still in the teenage and I wanted to see them grow, graduate from the university, getting married and seeing their children but life didn't leave me choices.  When I think of my husband and my children I to shout so loud to God and say that I’m not done with my life and I need more couple of years just to live for my children. But I’m late, too late to stop and I have to make most of what is left in me.

It was not easy to hide my tears or pain; day and night tears fill my eyes. I cry so much feeling I have no tears left to cry anymore but they keep oozing my eyes. I feel my life has stopped at an unknown destination, that I’m lost. It's not easy to think of what will happen to my family or how they survive without me. A role of a mother and wife always play an important part in the family and the void of that character can never be filled by any other. 

How much plans I had for myself, how I wanted to start my own business venture, how I planned my kids to be very well educated, how I planned for that dream holiday or for that new attire, but I finally realized that life cannot be planned. We can only plan to be the best possible human being each and every one of us can be and only plan to do what is right for you and not worry or sweat the small stuff in life, which is a short journey. My life has come to the edge and rather than spending that little time being sad and thinking of negativity I want to take and be the best time of my life. I want to be with my family and be the best mum to my kids, because when I’m not there I want them to cherish the memories we spent together and they will not miss me knowing that their mum is with them in every step of the way. It is also not easy to leave the man I loved for all those years. Sometimes I keep looking at him and cherish the moments we spent together. I have no regrets with my marriage as he was a good husband to me who loved me in his own way. I see my husband's empty looks in his eyes and sadness he try so hard to hide from me. 

        Death is common to all living beings on this earth but what’s difference is the knowledge that your time is numbered, is the hardest thing. The feeling is beyond imagination. The fear, the pain, the tears and all unbearable emotions in the world will keep on haunting me till the last breath. Living with the thought of dying in limited days is haunting and it's punishment given to you. Surviving the numbered days is hard but dying inside before you are dead is harder. And now I’m left only with one choice; which is trying to be happy on the last days of my life just for my kids and my husband. This will be my last chance of letting them know how much I love them......


     This above written was found in my wife's journal which she use to scribble her thoughts and I never saw or have read it , though I knew she had one. After lot of suffering for nearly 8 months my wife passed away 3 weeks ago and when I was going through her belongings I found this journal and all her feelings were written here. This was the hardest part of the journal, the time when we first discovered cancer in her and everything she felt inside, she has put into her own words and as her husband I felt guilty coz I would have done so much for her than creating distance. After reading this I couldn't gather myself to be normal again, and every single living moment, her memory and her love for me and my kids made me realize what a wonderful wife I had…

posted by Sajini Lakshika Chandrasekera @ 10:41 AM,

8 Comments:

At November 21, 2012 at 11:10 AM, Anonymous Niroshini said...

This is so sad and made me cry. The way you have written is so touching and the whole post is very emmotional....Excellent writing sis :-)

 
At November 21, 2012 at 11:44 AM, Anonymous Power Angel said...

You can make any one cry, and i call it talent. Amazing story and it's so sad reading how the wife felt inside.

 
At November 21, 2012 at 1:17 PM, Anonymous S .T. ILLANGERKOON- COLOMBO said...

I AM A VICTIM OF CANCER AND WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD SOON. nO ONE KNOWS THE PAIN I SUFFER AND IT IS TRUE, HOW THE LOVED ONES CREATE DISTANCE. I WAS MARRIED FOR NEARLY 20 YEARS AND TODAY MY HUSBAND IS HAVING AFFAIR WITH HIS SECETARY IN OPEN. IT HURTS SO MUCH WHAT HE DO TO ME AND MY LIFE IS LIVING HELL.MY APPEARANCE IS NOT WHAT IT WAS, NOW I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL OR SEXY OR HOT,AND MY HUSBAND HATE TO LOOK AT ME.
I WAS DIAGONISE A YEAR AGO AND MY LIFE WAS COUNTED FOR 5 YEARS BUT NOW I WISH IT WOULD COME SOON. I HAVE NO CHILDREN AND EVERY NEW DAY I HAVE ONE PRAYER AND THAT IS DEATH.
I LOVED THE WAY YOU HAVE PUT THIS STORY AND PEOPLE EXIST WITH WHAT YOU SAY. READING THIS BOUGHT SO MANY OF MY LIFE FLASH BACKS AND THROUGH OUT THIS POST TEARS WERE IN MY EYES. I JUST WISH MY HUSBAND CAN SEE THIS AND MAYBE I'LL START MY OWN LITTLE BOOK TO WRITE HOW I FEEL.
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I WISH YOU ALL HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH, STAY BLESSED.

 
At November 21, 2012 at 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent !!!

 
At November 21, 2012 at 1:32 PM, Anonymous krishan said...

I have no words. This is sad, but what matter is how you got your self into these shoes to write something which you are not a first hand experience, hope i'm right.

You are gifted writer and use this unique gift to open the eyes of the world.

 
At November 21, 2012 at 11:27 PM, Blogger Ali said...

nice

 
At November 23, 2012 at 9:07 PM, Blogger Kausar Bilal said...

An extremely touching post. I appreciate you for highlighting a very sensitive issue like this. Wonderful!

 
At March 10, 2014 at 7:49 AM, Anonymous Jeanne Melanson said...

Such a sad, sad story. thank you for sharing. Peace.

 

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